Scorpion Army

February 28, 2021

The Scorpion Army is like a Saturday morning cartoon that got lost in Secret of Mana.  Interactions with them are almost a game within a game: they hardly have any bearing on the plot and show up randomly when there’s something completely different going on.  Oh, and they have their own theme song.

We encounter the Scorpion Army three times.  First, they successfully nab the Water Seed and then attempt to get the Earth Seed in Gaia’s Navel before being stopped by Randi.  Somehow, they have the technology to extract divine energy to power their ridiculous creations, in this case a DIY robot:

RANDI: Aha! The Water Seed!

BOYS: You, where’d you all get in from? How dare you discover our secret fortress in the depths of the earth! You won’t go back alive!

BOSS: Welcome, to all of you little brats. We, the Scorpion Brigade, plan to subjugate the world!

BOYS: Phew, soooo cool!

BOYS: Silence! It was us who took the Water Seed. From the Seed, enormous energy will be extracted, and the Super Special Deluxe Gorgeous Robo…this unmatched guardian Robo, bearing the name of Kilroy, shall make its debut right here!

BOYS: Phew, soooo cool! 

BOSS: Now then, Kilroy’s start of operations! You guys can get on it!

BOYS: Aye aye, [ma’am]!

The first rule of comedy is that success is never funny.  During the battle:

ROBO: Pagiiii (probably a popping sound followed by a high pitched electronic whine)

BOSS: Aaah! Wh-what’s the problem?

BOYS: Boss! The energy is too much, and it’s out of operation!

BOSS: Eeeeh! What did you say!?  Fine, fine, if it’s gonna be like this then remove the seed and operate on auxiliary power!

After Kilroy, the Scorpion Army isn’t mentioned again until their next scheme.  This time, they’ve imprisoned Salamando, the fire Spirit, in a stove in the Ice Country.  The idea is that they’re using him to thaw out a small area and build a tropical oasis in the wintry climate, that will net them some cash.

They ask Randi to watch the stove, and once he hears something rattling around, he opens it anyway despite an earlier request.

BOSS: Holy mackerel! You dolts! You didn’t even notice!?

BOYS: Sorry…

BOSS: Yeesh! Can you believe this? Even though we worked hard for this money…! Everyone’s fled! …what? The Fire Palace’s seed? I dunno! I’m sick and tired of Mana seeds! 

BOYS: Speaking of which, when we went to nab Salamander, there was a weird old man.

BOSS: Eh, why the heck are you telling them this so nicely?  Seriously…!  I’m gonna remember this!

Later, they conveniently find out about Randi’s Sword, and set a trap in the Grand Palace to try another get rich quick scheme.

BOSS: We’ve been waiting! Last time, you really got us good!

BOYS: Yeah, yeah!

BOSS: That made me look into you guys!  Heroes of the Mana Sword, they said!  These children, really!?  Ahaha, it makes me laugh, yeah?   What do they even think a hero is, yeah?  That you guys have got hold of the Sword has to be some kinda mistake!  Now then, hand over the Sword!

BOYS: Yeah, yeah! I bet it’ll fetch a high price, huh, boss!?

BOSS: Shut up, you idiots!  Don’t tell ’em the plan!  Since it’s come to this, we’ll take it by force right this instant! Super Special Deluxe Gorgeous Robo — 2 — Dash Turbo Plus!  Reborn as a death machine and bearing the name Kettle Kin…it’s gonna do you guys in!

The second rule of comedy is that success is still never funny.  

BOSS: Too… strong! Then…they ARE the real heroes!? You idiots! Who was it? Who said they were fake heroes, huh!? Now, let’s get out of here! Now, let’s scram!

BOYS: Aye aye, boss.

That’s the extent of the Scorpion Army.  While we know almost nothing about them, their use of technology and a habit of showing up in unusual places implies some knowledge of the ancient past, before the world was destroyed in the war, similar to Geshtar.  

In the credits, they’re depicted near Sage Joch’s shrine, perhaps a joke that the most ridiculous characters in the game managed to overcomes themselves and find true courage.

I’ll close with some insight from user regrs of GameFAQs:

Here's something interesting. Kilroy was supposed to make a grand entrance similar to Spikey Tiger. The doors in the back of his arena have partial functionality to open them. [And no, there's nothing back there. You can walk inside the area a bit though.]  

Localization Notes

• Players like myself probably didn’t realize that they’re based on the Doronbo Gang from the Time Bokan anime, led by the villain Doronjo. According to the main Wikia, “[Doronjo] is an attractive blond known for her vanity, intelligence, and leadership…she along with her fellow Doronbo members…are sent on various missions…but end up getting in various battles…and losing each time and being punished for failures.” Sound familiar?

• The Boys sound like complete idiots in Japanese.
• The word translated as, “Boss” is from a Japanese word that’s close to, “the brains of the operation.”
• In the Ice Country village, the boss shouts, “なんてこった!” when she sees the party. This translates as, “holy mackerel!” in one dictionary, though it could be any amusing exclamation like, “holy cow!”
• They name their robots, “Ichiro” and “Jiro”, and call them Ichiro-kun and Jiro-kun. These are boring names like “Tom” or “John”, which is part of the joke since they think it’s extremely clever—the firstborn son in a Japanese family is sometimes named Ichiro, and the second is sometimes Jiro. A contemporary example is Ichiro and Jiro Yamada of the Buster Bros.!!! hip hop anime.
• Death Machine (Kettle Kin) has a chainsaw in the Japanese version, instead of just being a palette swap of Guardian (Kilroy). It’s assumed that this is due to censorship, but some programmers have noted other possibilities. Nintendo of America had no issues with Edgar’s chainsaw in Final Fantasy VI. Death Machine’s program is partially in the SNES ROM, along with some animations that weren’t even in the Japanese version.